To Spank Or Not To Spank

I know, I know…… the title excited you. You thought this was going to be all “Fifty Shades of Grey” and that I would delve into my personal thoughts on S&M. While it IS an interesting topic, and I did enjoy the books, this post has nothing to do with that so you can all go retrieve your minds from the gutter! I’ll wait. While I’m waiting, I will tell you that if someone suggests “sub” to me, it better mean they’re planning on making me a sandwich!

In seriousness, I’ve been giving some thought to the highly controversial discipline method of spanking. While I’ve never been a fan of physical intervention, Honey-badger is becoming WAY more badger than honey!!!

Never in a million years or a full Harry Potter film, whichever came first, did I think that I would be “that girl” who’d spank her kids. Mind you, I’ve threatened it, but the threat has always seemed to do the trick. Yeah….. that’s right. Right up until my daughters realized that I wasn’t serious at all.

Now my 6 year old blatantly wiggles her skinny little a$$ at me and says “Come on! Just give me a spanking!”, knowing full well that I never would. It was actually pretty funny at first, but now I realize that they have NO clue that I ever actually might spank them!

I got a HUGE kick out of my daughter inheriting her Father’s old cell-phone. While there is no actual cell service to it, she can utilize our wireless internet and launch P.O.’d birds until the cows come home. She went around for weeks telling people:

“I have a new phone! It’s really cool! I can’t call you, but I can play games and call 911!”

Funny. HAHA. Cracking up. Not so much.

Last night when I sent the badger herself to bed she told me that if she didn’t like the way I was talking to her, all she had to do was call the police! Oh yeah?!?!? I so badly wanted to tell her to go ahead and do it!! While I realize that it’s a terrible waste of resources, maybe what she really needs is a police officer to come over here and scare her $hitless. Hopefully she’ll wait until I can get to Target and buy some princess pull-ups though. She’s been potty-trained for years! If anyone is going to scare the crap out of her, she should atleast have a princess pull-up on! It’s my new campaign….. Save a chair, $hit on a princess! That’s right folks just call me ‘Big and Rich’. I’m here all week. Try the chicken!

Honestly, what do you do with a kid like that? I don’t WANT to spank her, but obviously reasoning hasn’t worked! She’s stubborn too! She’ll out-sit me in time-out ANY day. I’m usually there for 5 minutes and want to go play legos and have a juice box while she’s all like “I’m not saying sorry to ANYONE!” I appreciate her perserverance, but geez Louise!!! What Mom wants to sit around monitoring time-out all day?!? A crack to the a$$ and it could have been over already!! On to Dora and bologna sandwiches with a lesson under our belts. Nope. Not this kid. She’ll just wait it out. REALLY!?!?!?

While personally I don’t think I’ll spank my kids, I have a new respect for parents that do. My parents spanked me, and look how awesomely I turned out!! STOP! I’m being serious! I haven’t needed therapy in months now! Finally last year I even stopped cushioning my butt with magazines down the back of my pants when I heard my parents were coming to visit! That must say SOMETHING!

Have you ever seen those kids in the mall who walk next to their parents like little robots? The ones whose hair is never out of place, who are dressed perfectly, and even when Mall Santa goes on a smoke break, they just march on by, expressionless, right to the land of mis-fit toys?!? To me, those are the kids I imagine get spanked. Tiny, soulless bodies, conditioned to behave. Maybe they’re not even real. The mall probably hires them to influence parents like me to keep my kids in line and guilt us into keeping them out of ‘The Gap’ if they’re still crying about the soft pretzel they missed out on in the Macy’s wing. I’m on to you, Mall Management!

I would much rather have a spirited child, than a robotic one. I would much rather out-sit Chief Scammer in time-out than open her battery pack to feed her. Also, by “out-sit” I totally mean out-sleep, because that’s what I do in time-out. Sleep.

If there comes a day that she calls the police on me, I welcome the learning experience. One of us will be using our one phone call to reach Mr. Big over at the Sheriffs substation, and it surely won’t be me!