'Target'ed :)

Target. An appropriate name for an evil, evil store. It’s simple, honest, and flows off the tongue much easier than “The one stop, suck your wallet dry, piping subliminal messages through our trendy overhead music causing you to buy a bunch of crap that you’ll never actually NEED just because we CAN” store. Besides, who really wants to tell anyone that they’re going to such a place? It’s much simpler and far less argumentative when spouses are involved to say you’re “running to Target!”

Oh they target me alright! Some corporate schmuck probably recieves a text message or a tweet everytime I walk into a Target and laughs his a$$ off. Those jerks target my wallet, my willpower, and even my kind heart. “Awwww…… look at all the cute holiday erasers strategically placed near the entrance. I should buy them for the girls to give each child in their classes!” Ca-CHING.

Personally, I prefer the French pronounciation of Target. Tar-jay. It’s like a fancy Wal-Mart! I feel so swanky when I shop there, perusing the aisles sipping my $18 Starbucks machiatto that drew me in with the delicious scent that seemingly lingers at the entrance of each store. I wouldn’t DARE go in there in pajama pants or curlers like I would at a Wal-Mart. Even my 6 year old can sense the style of Tar-jay!

6yo: “Mommy, why are you putting make-up on? Wait! Are we going to Target?!?”

6yo: “Target is so classy!! Like Grandma!”

While their efforts to climb the upper-class ladder are not lost on my daughter, I do my best to hardly ever take her there. It’s not even that I worry about her potential “buy me everything in the store” behavior! It’s a problem far greater than a whiny attitude. It’s the popcorn. For the love of God, WHAT is with the popcorn? Since they were toddlers, my girls have associated a shopping trip with warm, stale, Target popcorn. Of course popcorn makes you thirsty, so they haaaave to have a drink, and what better drink than a bright red cherry icee? And if the icee is so good, why not save some for later? On your shirt!

While I have yet to google his name, I’d be willing to bet that Target’s director of marketing graduated at the top of his class. I mean, really, the guy’s a genius! I’m honestly not sure if the position is held by a male or female, but in my mind I picture Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movies. “Oh no Mini-me, we do not waste an end-cap! We stock it full of $5 DVD’s that everyone will buy and no one will watch!”

The guy probably really IS a Dr. and did his thesis on the “bargain area” at the entrance of each store. It’s pure brilliance! A 20×20 space chocked full of $hit items no one needs that are so irresistable, we buy them anyway! Holiday socks? Yes please! Hello Kitty notepads, pencils, magnets, dogfood dishes, and randomly sized underpants?!? Yup! Antlers, bunny ears, and pumpkin tops for my dog? Cute!

There is no such thing as going to Tar-jay for “one thing”, nor is there any “running to Target” as I mentioned earlier. That would imply a quick trip which is humanly impossible once you’re sucked into the vortex. There is also no such thing as leaving the store having spent less than $80, and trust me….. I’ve tried!

Does anyone remember the older version of the movie ‘Charlotte’s Web’? It’s a cartoon version, and in it is a song about Templeton the rat going to the fair and becoming dizzy from all the fabulous smells and new foods to try. I am Templeton in a Target. Cleaning supplies, and new soy candles, and greeting cards, and Merona sweaters in every color. Shoes that are adorable and shoes that are so ugly you know they’re supposed to be adorable and must be a trend SOMEWHERE. Electronics, the latest best-selling books, circo socks and sexy underwear. It is truly over-whelming how satisfying a trip to Target can be!

So yes, those Target jack-wagons target me, but I definitely let them! They say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. My name is Audrey and I’m addicted to shopping at Target.