If I Had a Million Dollars!

Many of us dream that we’ll win the $550 million power-ball on Saturday night, and as much as I enjoy most of you, I feel it only fair that I burst your bubble as early as possible. I’m going to win it. I can feel it rattling in my bones. Now, watch me really win it and be investigated for a conspiracy, as I predicted my epic win!

In seriousness, I know that they say money can’t buy happiness, but all I want is a chance to disprove that theory. I’d sure as Hell rather cry about my miserable existence in a Mercedes than a beat up Ford Explorer! I’d rather send my kids to their rooms when they sass back, in a big-ol’ farm house instead of our 2 room Coleman tent from Dick’s Sporting Goods!

I’ve decided to share my lotto-winning hopes and dreams with you all! First things first: Before I paid a single bill, bought a fleet of cars, or built my mansion, I’d have a massive clambake for my friends and family!

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No clambake of mine would be complete without waterslides and a wee bit of mattress surfing!! I know how to host a party, ‘My Big Redneck Wedding’ style!!

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Once THAT weekend-long affair was wrapped up, I’d get down to business. You know, all the usual blah blah blah, paying off bills, buying new cars, etc! By new cars, I definitely mean:

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Because that would just be FUN!!!!

Then, I’d hire a private Chef to make me and fam some amazing meals and make sure I don’t get fat(ter).

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I’d buy myself an engagement ring because goodness knows I’m the only one I can trust!

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I’d buy an amazing farm

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With insanely awesome features like this back porch and hidden playhouse!

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Shortly following, I’ll engage in new sports, which mainly means I will start participating in tractor-pulls. Antique Olivers are my favorite, but who can resist importing a Lamborghini tractor just for the heck of it?!?

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Aside from “tractor pulling” I should probably also pick up a more lucrative sport, like running. When I run my fat rich-a$$ around, I will wear things such as this:

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And this:

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For those super cold days, I’ll sport this:

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Once I get in hot-a$$ shape, why not screw that up by having another kid or twelve?!?!? Hell! I’ll be able to afford it! If for some odd reason they turn out bratty, I’ll even be able to pay someone to keep them out of my lifehair!

I’d imagine that I’ll have some great maternity shirts such as this:

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You think that’s great….. just wait until the little burrito is born!!! She’ll have all SORTS of cute stuff! (her name will be Erin, BTW).

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It’s an absolute MUST that she like tractors, so she’ll have a rockin’ bed:

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And some awesome toys:

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And some cutie-patootie boots:

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I’d love for my children to be bi-lingual, so the playroom will be filled with awesome signs such as this:

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Not to mention the fact that I LOVE reading and want to promote it from an early age!! Therefore, our mansion will showcase little gems such as these:

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I am a fan of creativity, so what better way to encourage it than with kick-a$$ treehouses?!?!?

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I’m going to need fantabulous accessories for going out with all the people who will be falling at my door when I’m rich:

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And my office is going to be amazing!

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The perfect place to write:

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I will most definitely buy one of these, just because they’re cool:

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And never again will I buy another one of these:

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In the spirit of giving, I think I’ll mail one of these to each of the lower-class women who have ever hurt me:

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All in all, I think it would be a pretty great time!!!!

Mother’s Day 2013

As I sit here reflecting in the early hours of another Mother’s Day that seemingly crept out of nowhere, I can’t help but smile. Goofing around above me tonight were two healthy and happy girls who have given me great purpose and direction in a world I once felt lost in. I like to think of myself as the Board of Commissioners for Chief and Deputy Scammer. I oversee the “big picture” while clearly they are in charge of the day to day operations around here. Oh yes indeed. “The Chief is confirming a working scam-fest and calling in reinforcements!”. I don’t think I would or could have it any other way.

Thinking back, for the life of me I can not recall celebrating Mother’s Day as a child. I’m sure that we must have, yet the memories escape me. Way too many years were spent as I rebelled against my Mom. If someone were ever able to develop and market “hindsight”, they would be a millionaire for sure. With the purchase of hindsight, it would have been decades sooner that I had realized my Mom’s strength and true character. It’s idealistic to think of the years I never would have wasted, but the truth is that I did. Waste them.

While independence, in and of itself is admirable, it’s not always the gift that it’s cracked up to be. Far too early on in my childhood, I determined that I was independent. Right, wrong, or indifferent, that was the way I was going to be and no one short of God himself was going to sway me. I bucked the system just to buck the system. If you’d said black, I’d have said white. And so it goes.

This independence carried with it a HUGE sidecar of stubborn, which was a direct delivery, lock, stock and barrel from my Meston genes. Thanks genetics! You’ve given me the gifts that keep on giving. Just ask my strong-willed and liberated six year old who thinks the world is her oyster and clothing is optional!

One of my deepest regrets is that I did not recognize sooner in life the fortitude within my own Mom. While I definitely credit Meston genetics for much of my personality, it’s only been in the last few years that I’ve realized I’m quietly becoming Jane. Or at least part Jane. Decades ago, that likely would have scared me, while today it gives me a quiet comfort.

I tend to be prone to writing about my Dad and his strength. I think about his staunch character and his admirable principles, while I’ve ashamedly failed to show my Mom the same recognition. Something that resonates in my head is my Mom once telling me “I had always hoped I would be close with my daughters”.

Sadly, she was telling me this because we weren’t. It was with great sadness in her eyes that these words were uttered. and though they may not have affected me then, they certainly have followed me, and most definitely impact my life now.

As I’ve grown as a person, I’ve begun to evaluate the “bigger picture” so to speak. Many things I once blamed my Mom for, were actually acts of courage and bravery. Looking back as an adult, the places where I once viewed my Mom in the background are now hazy, and I’ve begun to see her as a backbone. A force that held us together where a weaker force would have failed. A kick-a$$ cancer survivor who didn’t take no for an answer. A strength when we were weak.

It seems as though with each year that passes, I feel closer to my Mom. I notice that we seem to understand each other just a little bit better. While our personalities could not be any further opposed, it’s seemingly begun to work for us. She is my voice of reason and I tend to be the dose of humor.

Today and everyday, I’d like to thank my Mom for all she’s done for me, and for all her support behind the scenes. I’ve had my moments of regret, as most children do, yet I hope she knows that I strive every day to make her proud of the person I’m becoming, and of the Mom that I am. I realize now that I never would have made it this far without her.

Thank you Mom! I love you more than I could ever express!

This is GROUPONCULOUS!

I’d be willing to climb out on a very narrow limb and assume that almost all of us have heard of the “Extreme Couponing” trend. If we hadn’t heard of it prior to TLC’s show, we sure as heck know what it’s all about now!! Even Honey Boo-Boo’s mom extreme coupons! And Suga’ Bear her baby Daddy!

Much as I hate to be a “follower”, I’d be lying to say I didn’t jump on the tail end of that band-wagon and start drinking the coupon kool-ade. I became as obsessed with couponing as I am with facebooking! We all know how well THAT’S worked out for me!

Positive: Saving money for your family.
Negative: Buying 73 boxes of fruit roll-ups that you don’t even allow your kids to eat, because they were .13 cents each.

In actuality, I come by bargain-seeking honestly. Remember bubble-gum flavored Hi-C? No? Good. That’s probably because it sucked and was only on shelves for a few weeks. Just long enough for it to get marked down to 8 cents a gallon and my dad to buy 112 gallons of it!!! As kids, we weren’t allowed any other juice until we “used up what was in the house!”. That was a LOOOOOONNNNNGGGGGG 27 weeks of chugging bubble-gum Hi-C. Maybe that’s why I can do shots like such a champ now!

I’ve got to admit, when I fell for this couponing trend, I fell hard. As in Johnny and June hard.

Similac and Enfamil must think I’m the biggest wh*re out there, not to mention a medical marvel, because I’m signed up 17 times on each of their websites to get free formula samples and coupons to feed my “imminent deliveries”! According to them I’m due with a new baby every 3 weeks or so. Won’t they be surprised come bathing suit season! Granted I’ve switched it up with a few different addresses, just to keep them guessing. It’s simple enough to do…… literally like taking formula from a baby! I have friends who could really use the help, so why not? With formula at $47.00 a can I hardly doubt my craftiness is going to bankrupt the formula 500!

Along with couponing, comes Grouponing. You’re all familiar, yes? Groupon is a site you can register with and they e-mail you daily deals. Initially, I loved Groupon! My Dad the bargain-master turned me on to it and I thought it was great. I created an account, viewed the daily deals that were e-mailed to me each morning and thought “One of these days I’m going to buy one of these awesome deals!” Ain’t that some $hit!

A month or so later, after my account had failed to produce copious (or ANY) transactions, Groupon e-mailed me and more or less said: “Hey lady! We’ll give you a $15 credit towards your first Groupon purchase if you get off your butt and buy something within the next two weeks!” Thanks Groupon, NOW you’re speaking my language!

There’s a ‘but’ in every one of my stories and this one is no exception. I feel like Pee-Wee Herman: “Let’s talk about your big but!” Instead of taking my Groupon credit and enjoying it, I just HAD to look that gift horse right in the mouth. If ONE credit is good, wouldn’t EIGHT be better? I then proceeded to register every e-mail address that I or my dog has ever had. Yes, my dog has an e-mail address. Yes it’s a long story. No I’m not right, and yes I’ll blog about it someday.

Don’t you worry though, I’ve been paying for my grouponculous selfishness ever since. I’m fairly certain that Groupon is now profiling me. Ever since I signed up with them 8 times, I started getting deals for weight loss products, and even a half-price trip to “The Biggest Loser” camp! How do THEY know I’m fat?!? It’s bad enough to get those e-mails ONCE, let alone 8 times! Nothing says “Hey Fat Girl” quite like seeing it 8 times before you even go to McDonalds for breakfast in the morning! Well played Groupon, well played!

You Never Know What You Might Find at Tractor Supply! ;)

Such as “Anti Monkey Butt”! His and Hers!

Oh Deer!!

Playdates, as many parents are aware, can be very fickle beasts! While they hold all the promise of laughter filled afternoons and memories made, they tend to bring with them the possibility of disaster. When you’re mixing different ages, up-bringings, length of nap-times, perceived quality of the last snack ingested, it can get a bit hairy! Playdates are like a box of chocolates, and we all know what Forrest Gump says about THAT! You never know what you’re gonna get!

I was thrilled to learn that a dear high school friend would be in town this week with her family, and I was excited to set up a time to get together! With my honey-badgers being a bit older than her daughter, I truly gave some thought to choosing an activity that would interest a wide range of ages while also insuring that the adults had fun!

We found that at Pasture Prime Whitetail Deer Farm in Rush, N.Y.

After visiting Prime Whitetails website, I contacted Sandy to set up a tour! She could not have been more friendly, informative, or shown more pride in her farm! We truly had a wonderful time and highly recommend it to anyone in the area! It’s as simple as calling Sandy at (585)-943-3700!

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And what farm could be complete without an “ambassador”?!?!?

It’s just one of those days!! ;)

I have had the type of day that leads to me partaking in a cart full of THIS(yes, that’s laundry boost, I do laundry when I’m stressed!):

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While wearing my John Deere sweatshirt:

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And listening to:

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Or THIS:

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Because apparently that’s what I am tonight!!! Shameless!!

So What! Wednesday 4/24

Good Morning my fellow So What! Wednesday friends! I’m going for the gold and linking up with Shannon at Life After I Dew for the second week in a ROW for SWW! Okay, maybe not GOLD, but definitely a participation ribbon! I fear that this is becoming just a little too much fun for me, as I love to “vent” with a slight sarcastic edge! This week I’m saying:

So what that I took my girls to a darned-near gourmet restaurant last night and the highlight of their evening was NOT the food. Oh, it’s their “new favorite restaurant” alright, but not for the amazing food OR atmosphere. It is now the “best restaurant EVER” because Law and Order SVU was playing in the bar while we drank Shirley Temples and waited for our table! Awesome!

My youngest did however try the calamari salad and declared: “Who would have thought I’d be eating octopus?!?!?!? And LIKING it!!!”

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I must take this opportunity to shamelessly plug Ember Woodfire Grill in Livonia, NY! The service was fantastic, the food eclectic, and a near perfect balance has been struck between “fine dining” and a kid-friendly atmosphere! We will definitely be back!

So what that the “nasty Siamese sisters” helped themselves to a brand new bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies during PMS week?!?! Truly, it’s one less day I need to feed them this week!

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So what that my dog won’t go running with me?!?! It’s no biggie. I’ve only always wanted a dog to run on the beach alongside my bikini-clad body as I warm up for beach volley-ball. Or to run on trails with me and protect me from wild-animals as I prep for a cross-country marathon. Now I’m going to be fat forever because my dog won’t motivate me to run. I just can’t figure out why she WON’T?!?!?! I thought for sure chihuahua’s were great runners with those super long legs of theirs!!

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So what that when we ran into Wegmans on the way home last night, I turn around from the Seltzer water display and this is what I saw?

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So WHAT that this is what my 6 year old drew at school as an example of her Scottish heritage?!? The picture is great! The spelling on the other hand…… needs a little work!

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So what that when I stopped by McDonalds this morning for a #7, the cashier who has become all too friendly with me wanted to know if I might want to ‘work-out’ with her sometime!?!?! Either she thinks I’m awesomely cool, or that was her clever way of saying “Hey fat-girl, lay off the McDonalds 5 days a week or even I will taunt you!”

So what that my parents haven’t answered my phone calls all week and I suspect it might have something to do with my “Senior Road Trip” blog from the other day. It’s either that or the fact that they’re out of town, and I sure hope it’s the second reason! Blogs are supposed to be FUN!

So what that Jenelle Evans from Teen Mom 2 was arrested yesterday for Heroin possession? Is this coming as a surprise to any of us? Especially to someone like me who is 33 years old and secretly (or NOT so secretly!) addicted to watching that show?!? Thank goodness for my DVR! What else would I watch in the mornings while pretending to cycle on my stationary bike!?! Maybe THAT should be some motivation for me!? Every time Jenelle or her Mom mention Keiffer or marijuana I’ll bike an extra mile! I’ll be skinny in no time!

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