Many of us dream that we’ll win the $550 million power-ball on Saturday night, and as much as I enjoy most of you, I feel it only fair that I burst your bubble as early as possible. I’m going to win it. I can feel it rattling in my bones. Now, watch me really win it and be investigated for a conspiracy, as I predicted my epic win!
In seriousness, I know that they say money can’t buy happiness, but all I want is a chance to disprove that theory. I’d sure as Hell rather cry about my miserable existence in a Mercedes than a beat up Ford Explorer! I’d rather send my kids to their rooms when they sass back, in a big-ol’ farm house instead of our 2 room Coleman tent from Dick’s Sporting Goods!
I’ve decided to share my lotto-winning hopes and dreams with you all! First things first: Before I paid a single bill, bought a fleet of cars, or built my mansion, I’d have a massive clambake for my friends and family!
No clambake of mine would be complete without waterslides and a wee bit of mattress surfing!! I know how to host a party, ‘My Big Redneck Wedding’ style!!
Once THAT weekend-long affair was wrapped up, I’d get down to business. You know, all the usual blah blah blah, paying off bills, buying new cars, etc! By new cars, I definitely mean:
Because that would just be FUN!!!!
Then, I’d hire a private Chef to make me and fam some amazing meals and make sure I don’t get fat(ter).
I’d buy myself an engagement ring because goodness knows I’m the only one I can trust!
I’d buy an amazing farm
Shortly following, I’ll engage in new sports, which mainly means I will start participating in tractor-pulls. Antique Olivers are my favorite, but who can resist importing a Lamborghini tractor just for the heck of it?!?
Aside from “tractor pulling” I should probably also pick up a more lucrative sport, like running. When I run my fat rich-a$$ around, I will wear things such as this:
For those super cold days, I’ll sport this:
Once I get in hot-a$$ shape, why not screw that up by having another kid or twelve?!?!? Hell! I’ll be able to afford it! If for some odd reason they turn out bratty, I’ll even be able to pay someone to keep them out of my
I’d imagine that I’ll have some great maternity shirts such as this:
You think that’s great….. just wait until the little burrito is born!!! She’ll have all SORTS of cute stuff! (her name will be Erin, BTW).
It’s an absolute MUST that she like tractors, so she’ll have a rockin’ bed:
And some awesome toys:
And some cutie-patootie boots:
I’d love for my children to be bi-lingual, so the playroom will be filled with awesome signs such as this:
Not to mention the fact that I LOVE reading and want to promote it from an early age!! Therefore, our mansion will showcase little gems such as these:
I am a fan of creativity, so what better way to encourage it than with kick-a$$ treehouses?!?!?
I’m going to need fantabulous accessories for going out with all the people who will be falling at my door when I’m rich:
And my office is going to be amazing!
The perfect place to write:
I will most definitely buy one of these, just because they’re cool:
And never again will I buy another one of these:
In the spirit of giving, I think I’ll mail one of these to each of the lower-class women who have ever hurt me:
All in all, I think it would be a pretty great time!!!!